Dating perfection com

We have become convinced that the idea of bashert is so daunting and yet so G-d-given, many are paralyzed by indecision instead of committing to long lasting relationships.

Is the concept of bashert so myopic and fixed as it is believed to be?

And while in certain worlds this is the norm, often things that are a norm in a Chassidic world have perfectionistic roots in a different environment. Indeed Rav Hershel Schachter writes that Rav Soloveitchik ztl.

noted that our practice never insisted on holding up a shidduch until the rebbe approves (Me Peninei Ha Rav, p. Demanding this approval is perfectionistic in nature and serves as a religious cover for a psychologically driven desire for reassurance that can never be filled by someone else.

The same is true for women searching for men – if one seeks perfection while dating instead of seeking a mate, the quest can be arduous and can likely bring about much frustration and anxiety. According to this approach, Torah relationships do not demand perfectionism – only tov (Notes to Sicha on Parshas Chayei Sarah).

The Pele Yoetz, (Erech Zivug), identifies a bashert as being fluid, based upon one’s desires (bakashot) and his hishtadlut (efforts). Some try to allay their fears by seeking reassurance. While temporarily providing relief to anxiety, reassurance-seeking continually reinforces the faulty belief that one cannot make his or her own decisions or the provider of the reassurance is later assumed to not have understood or to be out of the loop on these issues.

Or is that vision built on, and promoting perfectionism?

Somehow, Chaim would go out and each girl would have something that was “flawed.” Now 35, Chaim was worried that he would never find that “perfect girl to bring home to his mother.” Perfectionism involves the relentless striving for extremely high standards, judging one’s self-worth based largely on one’s ability to strive for and achieve these unrelenting standards and then despite the regular negative consequences involved in sticking to these impossible, demanding standards, continuing to go for them despite the huge cost (Schwartz, 2008) .While we might appreciate having the freedom and power to buy exactly that which we want, that very freedom of choice can breed the need within us to seek perfection in our choices and never settle or make do.This inherent need, often found among a group labeled by American psychologist Barry Schwartz as maximizers, find the sheer number of alternatives in a decision to be overwhelming leaving them often feeling anxious and depressed (Schwartz, 2004).Moreover, psychologically, we find that those who approach dating and relationships with a perfectionistic perspective, are often unhappy with their quest for perfection (Ben Shahar, 2009).They might exhibit distinct indecisiveness, severe issues that are often perceived as controlling in relationships and a general misunderstanding of the self and others in relationships. Barry treats her well and she feels that she will likely grow together with him.

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On the other hand, in Mishlei () he notes that if one finds isha, he finds tov. Benzion Sorotzkin once noted that if one is seeking Ha Isha — with an assumption that there is only one for him and that one must be perfect, the experience will be more bitter than death.

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